The REAL Collapse Board Manifesto
by Matt O’Neill
Firstly, an explanation and apology.
Ultimately, what we like to do with Collapse Board is cultivate a specialist audience. To that end, we thought we’d circulate an illusory doctrine relating to our anarchic beliefs – such rhetoric specifically designed to thin our (quite gargantuan and incomprehensibly mammoth) herd of followers.
We apologise for subjecting you to such hyperbolic proselytising but, in our hearts, we knew that our true followers would understand the post to be an artful bluff. We want the crème de la crème of readers. It is, after all, the fish that John West rejects that makes John West the best.
Of course, we have rules. We have many, highly specific, deeply considered pieces of legislation (well, three, anyway). You understand, though, that we couldn’t distribute these rules to just anyone. God gave the 10 Commandments to Moses. We needed a following comprised strictly of Moseses.
Now that such a following has been secured, mind you, we can open the doors to our chocolate factory. Furthermore, we will actually let you consume the fizzy lifting drinks of our chocolate-making knowledge with impunity. Such is our faith and confidence in you, our dearest readers.
3. Uniforms are key. Uniformity is not.
We here at Collapse Board believe in a plurality of opinions. While some publications and outlets may enforce a particular style or disposition, we revel in contrasting views and perspectives. To this end, our writers are expected to cultivate their identities both within their work and beyond.
Each writer, upon joining the team, is expected to design and construct a costume to showcase their own identity. Wallace Wylie famously combined the Batman, Green Lantern and Superman costumes to become his own Justice League. Darragh Murray is still referred to as the Double Reverse Unicorn. Your correspondent modelled his on a majestic peacock (and, yes, collecting the feathers was a bitch).
Now, some have said such costumes make us look like superheroes. Of course, we aren’t. Not yet…
2. All music is primal (and deserving of primal response).
This is so obvious we’re surprised other music outlets don’t pursue a similar course of action. Personally, your correspondent suspects they do. Music is obviously a product of our most basic nature. This is why it transcends such rudimentary measurements of skill, sophistication, intellect and emotional engagement. It appeals to something beyond consciousness. With this in mind, we have attempted to divorce ourselves from the evaluative process.
How? By hiring consultants, of course. What consultants, you ask? The only ones that can be trusted.
We at Collapse Board know that we’ll never fully detach ourselves from consciousness and reason. We understand that the metaphysical oesophagus to our figurative gut of primal intuition has been clogged with the hamburger of knowledge. So, we take ourselves out of the process altogether. Before being employed by Collapse Board, each writer is required to pick an animal familiar. I chose a rooster. This one. Our bestial partners understand music on a level of which we can only hope to gain an approximate understanding. By limiting each writer to one animal, we foster a closer connection and more refined level of communication. By relying upon their reactions, we gain a purity of insight beyond that of any of our contemporaries or competitors. If there’s a disagreement, we test the commitment of our respective familiars by having them do battle.
(Unfortunately, Everett’s is a chicken – which obviously makes things a little complicated for your correspondent. Rumour has it that Darragh’s training a Bengal tiger, though, which should fuck Everett’s poultry temptress right the fuck up. Good luck seducing that, bitch.)
1. All music is fantastic (and not to be trusted).
Now, by this, we don’t mean it is of exceptional quality. We mean it is of fantastical origin. Werewolves, elves, ocelots and the like. We’re not entirely sure what agents of the mystical realm are perpetuating the art (your correspondent has 50 dollars on selkies) but we’re confident that they’re lurking out there – and we’re determined to find them.
If we seem to be harsh, flowery or antagonistic – trust us. It’s part of the plan. This is the prevailing mission of Collapse Board – to collapse the boundaries between our world and the next. One day, we’ll scratch the surface of those supernatural egos and crack this Narnian motherfucker wide open.
(And, when one of those shapeshifting Irish bastards finally does snap, I’ll make a sweet 50 dollars. Gonna buy some wicked armour for my rooster. Neuter it, too. Take that, Everett.)