DO YOU WANT WORK EXPERIENCE WITH COLLAPSE BOARD?

Working at Collapse Board isn’t all writing about bands no one’s heard of, not getting sent albums and being refused places on guest lists. Sometimes we get abused as “boring, self satisfied hipster cunts” too.

We’re currently looking to take on prospective journalists (1) on four-yearly editorial work experience placements starting at the beginning of September 2015, and we’re booking up until the end of September 2020. If you want a head-start in music journalism (2) then we want to hear from you: we’re looking for easily fooled people who will follow orders immediately and who are as keen to do the menial tasks as they are the cool stuff (3).

Work experience is by no means a guaranteed short-cut to a job (4), but bear in mind that in the past, several previous placements have led to paid work (5), as one of our staffers got a start at Collapse Board through work experience (6), as did a number of our regular freelance writers (7). See? Dreams can come true (8).

Duties you can expect to undertake include but are not limited to reading Pitchfork, rewriting Pitchfork, scouring Pitchfork for news stories and potentially emailing press agents that have had bands featured on Pitchfork. The more ideas you have, the less work we’re likely to give you.

If you’re interested please send your CV, the dates you’re available (9), an appropriate 10-word review written in Collapse Board’s style and a comprehensive 1,000 word guide to Nicki Minaj’s breasts, with at least 20 suitable photographs ready for immediate publication, unpaid. Applicants must be over 18 years of age (10) and all placements will be based in our Qatar offices. Only successful applicants will be contacted. Unfortunately, we are unable to pay expenses, but we are very happy to accept advance payment if you want to prejudice the editors in your favour. $1,000 should cover it.

Applications close on Monday 6 May, 2040

NOTES

1) We say “journalists”. We don’t mean it, though. What we actually mean is “people with the ability to read Stereogum and badly paraphrase it, throwing in a few choice un-credited words lifted from the press release, and then pass it off as their own work”. Failing that, anyone who’s able to sensationalise a surprisingly revealing Elle interview and claim it to be a ‘news story’. Failing that, just about anyone.

2) We say ‘music journalism’. In reality, you’ll be making the coffee, opening mail and trawling Facebook for stories from Buzzfeed to be ‘inspired’ by. We say ‘inspired’. We don’t mean it. You will copy them down, word for word – and let a more experienced hack do the reworking.

3) With the emphasis on the ‘menial’.

4) Damn straight!

5) In the catering industry. Packing meals for British Airways.

6) That would be that Jeff Pollack, that would. Keen as mustard, he was. We soon kicked that out of him.

7) Note, we don’t actually say how much the regular freelance writers get paid. Have a guess why.

8) This is a lie.

9) We’re really not fussy.

10) See point 9 above.

ADDENDA

Is there sick pay and holiday entitlement, an interested party asks. No. No, there isn’t.

by Everett True

My name is Everett True. I am a music critic. This is what I do. I criticise music. The clue is in my job description – music critic. I do not consider myself a journalist, as I do not research or report hard news. I do not consider myself a commentator as I believe that everyone should be a participant. I criticise people and in return I am not surprised if other people criticise me. It is part of the whole deal of being in the public arena. I am Everett True. Believe in me and I have power like a God. Quit believing in me and I no longer exist.