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 Wallace Wylie

Brian Wilson tired of music critics putting him in a box

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Brian Wilson

By Wallace Wylie

The name Brian Wilson conjures up a host of labels: songwriter, singer, bass player, genius, lunatic, legend. When faced with such a complex personal history and daunting creative output, music critics seem to find it easier to attach one of those labels, put Brian Wilson in a box, and move on. Things turned ugly recently, however, when one such critic attempted to do physically  what many of his colleagues have been trying to do metaphorically for years.

According to reports the writer had a gun in his hand and was screaming expletives and yelling, “Just get in the box”. The writer had even brought a sturdy wooden box with him.

This is the seventh time in recent memory this has happened, and Wilson is said to be afraid for his life.

David Fincher, Wilson’s 72-year-old neighbour, claimed in a recent interview that he literally saved Wilson’s life on one of these occasions.

“I pop in and visit Brian regularly,” said Fincher, “He leaves his door unlocked all the time so I just walk in and start chatting. Well, this last time I walked in I heard a strange noise. It alternated between gentle weeping and this kind of guttural moan. I’d never heard anything like it since ‘Nam. Turns out some cold-hearted bastard had gotten Brian in a box and then nailed it shut. It took me almost an hour to get him out.”

Police are continuing to investigate the incidents but remain puzzled as to the motives of the writers in question. Wilson’s house is now under constant supervision by armed guards, and they have been ordered to shoot on sight if intruders are seen to have a box of any kind.

2012 was to have been a big year for Wilson, with a full-blown Beach Boys reunion in the works as well as a host of reissues, but music critics forcing the reclusive genius into a box one too many times may put paid to all those plans.

Al Jardine, Wilson’s band-mate in the Beach Boys, made a heartfelt plea to music critics earlier today.

“Please, for the love of god stop trying to put Brian in a box. He’s not fucking Houdini. Enough with the whole box thing. Seriously.”

Time will tell whether Jardine’s plea is listened to.

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