10 REVIEWS OF THE NEW CULTS ALBUM – 7: the really bad review (U.S.)

by Wallace Wylie

Listening to Cults, I can only imagine that they have some great insider connections. Honestly, you don’t get this amount of hype after releasing one single on vinyl only, especially if there’s almost no information about you online, unless you’re friends with all the right people. Certainly not for releasing some standard, indie girl-group replicating stuff of the kind on display here. I understand why people approach music with the urge to get excited about it, but Christ almighty are we really going to shit ourselves over this slightly-above average major-label product? Yes, apparently we are. Track one ‘Abducted’ reminds me of ‘Everything Must Go’ by Manic Street Preachers, but I probably do the whole “it sounds like” thing too much so we won’t dwell on such things.

Time is ticking away and I’m not being convinced. Eventually we get to ‘Oh My God’ and I recognise some internal feeling that threatens to turn into enjoyment but next track ‘Never Saw The Point’ returns me to my previous state. I try to imagine myself grinning inanely to this music, bopping my head from side to side, sipping drinks with the beautiful people. Suddenly in my fantasy I accost the DJ, badger them into taking the Cults album off, and tell them to play the new Barbara Panther album instead. As the first track is about to begin the room is silent. All eyes are on me. The music begins and the beautiful people are impressed. Everyone gets loose and I’m carried round the room on everyone’s shoulders before the night finishes with everyone singing, “For he’s a jolly good fellow”. Phew, what a great night.

I’m a cynical curmudgeon. Pardon me for not rolling over on my back and allowing Cults to scratch my belly till it makes me kick my left leg in a weirdly uncontrollable but still pleasurable way. That’s not how I roll, my friend. The album is still playing and it’s still being very 60s girl group. It’s practically begging you to make it your go-to summer album. I can’t say I hate it like I hate Fleet Foxes, Death Cab For Cutie or some crap like that, but it’s not really doing much for me either. It sounds calculated. It sounds way too average to be getting all this press. Who the fuck are Cults friends with anyway, the Illuminati?

by Wallace Wylie

Although he grew up in a remote Scottish fishing village, Wallace had a destiny even he could not foresee. One day he would be living in an American city that birthed two of the most overrated bands of all time, and a stone cold musical genius. Can you figure it out? Each week is filled with sexy and exciting adventures overflowing with intrigue and ambiguity. In his spare time he writes for Collapse Board.

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