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 Everett True

the inaugural Collapse Board award for services to Australian independent music

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We can’t exist in isolation any longer.

After much chest-beating… I mean soul-searching… on the part of Justin and myself – plus the handy offer of a $30,000 grant from McDonald’s (“where the food comes predigested”) to help soften the blow – we’ve decided that next February, Collapse Board will be holding their very first awards ceremony.

Just one prize will be on offer – the ‘Chairman of the Board’*. A couple of provisos apply:

  • Entrants will be limited to Australian acts only. However, if you want to forget your country of birth or citizenship for the duration of this award, that’s all right by us.
  • Entrants will be limited to independent acts only. However, if you are actually an independent act and want to enter anyway, that’s all right by us.
  • Entrants will need to pay a $100 ‘joining’ fee to the Collapse Board artistic development fund. Which will then do nothing for the rest of the year. However, if you’re friends with one of the board of judges we’ll think of a way round that.
  • To keep in line with other awards voting panels, judges will of course be voting for their sixth favourite record of 2010. Or perhaps 2009. Or 2008. Depending on how they feel.
  • Both male and female musicians are eligible to enter. Preference, of course, will be given to male musicians. Unless the competition falls within a year where the judges feel they need to take a stand and give the award to a female artist. In this rare instance, Collapse Board solemnly swears that the female in question will be a) ‘singer-songwriter’ and b) ‘sexy’.
  • There will be an awards ceremony, televised for maximum confusion and ads exposure. Collapse Board solemnly swears that whoever they get to front it, the presenter in question will have a Hello recognition factor of not less than 7.3.
  • Preference will be given to ‘pop’ acts. This will serve the dual purpose of a) showing that the judges aren’t just a bunch of small-minded elitists, and b) ensuring more attention is paid to the award.
  • The judging panels will be made up of a select committee of 153 industry professionals. And their mates. And whoever else wants to come along to the voting ceremony in Brisbane – free flights and accommodation and ‘food’ courtesy of our sponsor.
  • In the unlikely event of there being any money left over having to be given to the winning act, we’ll think of a way around it.
  • As our main sponsor, McDonald’s will, of course, be given due prominence in the titling of the award. In this way we hope to emphasise the independence of the award itself. We were thinking something along the lines of ‘the McDonalds Mighty Angus Burger presents the ‘Chairman of the Board’ award, available for a limited period only’ might be suitable.
  • In the event of any controversy, Richard Kingsmill’s decision is final.

* Yes, yes, of course a female could win. Hypothetically-speaking, of course.

** The photograph at the top is an idealised visualisation of what we hope our awards night will look like.

6 Responses to the inaugural Collapse Board award for services to Australian independent music

  1. Darragh November 29, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Bwahaha.

  2. David November 29, 2010 at 11:45 am

    *likes*

  3. Darragh November 29, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    You forgot to mention that Brian McFadden actually already has won this award, and his acceptance speech has been pre-recorded.

  4. Huge November 29, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    ROTFL!!!

    Well done, once again …

  5. Everett True November 29, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    (from Facebook)

    Rene Schaefer, Jasmine Darlington-Rielly, Angelo Kehagias and 2 others like this.

    Xijun Liew
    Satire or reality?
    3 hours ago · Like

    Xijun Liew
    nm
    3 hours ago · Like

    Phil Graham
    awesome. i wanna pay the 100 bucks just to say i entered. what’s the refund policy like?
    11 minutes ago · Like

    Everett True
    good. you win, you get a refund.
    2 minutes ago · Like

  6. Everett True November 30, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Ah, Tame Impala. So much to answer for. So little to be proud of.

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