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Stuck in crowds near a Rolling Stones concert in Greenwich

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happy driver

By David Stubbs

The Rolling Stones are playing at the O2 Arena tonight – saw the crowds funnelling in at North Greenwich Station. I’ve nothing against the group – I’ll grant them their due place in rock history and I don’t care whether they retire or not, up to them. However, if I were to be persuaded to do such a thing as go see them play live in 2012, I would require the following, non-negotiable conditions to be met:

  • A fee of £10,000.
  • Private transportation to and from the concert, by helicopter. If a helipad weren’t available within 75 yards of the venue, one would have to be built.
  • My own, cordoned off area 30 yards from the stage, with unlimited wine, a butler and a sommelier, and a vegetarian buffet for myself and my friends.
  • For the band to adjust their amps to level three so that my friends and I could hear ourselves converse, and for the band to stop playing altogether if our conversation became lively and animated.
  • Mick Jagger would not be permitted to make crappy, faux-unpretentious remarks about having “come all the way from Dartford to Greenwich”. A simple “Good evening, we are The Rolling Stones”, would suffice.
  • The set to last no longer than 20 minutes, or shorter if they should become tiresome.
  • The band would not be allowed to play any of the old material – we don’t want to hear them desecrate their classics with their shittily sub-Later With Jools Holland contemporary arrangements. Nor would they be allowed to play any new material. We’re not interested. Some happy medium would need to be struck.
  • Mick Jagger would not be allowed to dance. His dancing has brought shame on us all for 50 years now. Stand still, you old fool.

I mean, seriously, what is with people wanting to be in some huge space with a load of other people because it makes them feel special, despite said load of other people providing a claustrophobic and miserably discomfiting reminder that it’s not very special their being there at all?

God, I wish I was King.

(Reprinted from Facebook with permission)

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