By Scott Creney
If you’re in downtown Athens, Georgia and you find yourself needing to take a shit , you aren’t going to find a better place to go than the University of Georgia’s main library on north campus. All the bars/restaurants/coffee places downtown are either going to make you buy something , or give you dirty looks if you go in there, especially to drop a deuce. If the football team is playing a home game that weekend, you might be able to find a row of portable toilets , but even in the fall those things can work up a real nasty smell.
Now some of you making your (frantic, intestinally churning) way across north campus, might notice the UGA law school on your right. I know what you’re thinking—that would probably be a way better place to lay some ass: less student traffic, no undergrads, probably a higher class of people. Well you’re wrong. The bathrooms at the law school  are atrocious. The floors around the urinals are covered in dried piss. The toilets are rarely flushed. And the other day, I saw a streak of boogers calcifying on the wall in front of me. And it isn’t the custodians fault. They just can’t keep up with the swine-like behavior of the future lawyers of Georgia.
The UGA library has four restrooms on every floor. Even during peak hours, I’ve never had to wait. And best of all, the UGA library restrooms operate on a strict ‘one stall per bathroom’ policy, so you don’t have to worry about the guy next to you listening in on your doody splatters. Liberally stocked with toilet paper and paper towels , forget about coming here for the Athens Music Scene. Toilet tourism  is the future of the northeast Georgia economy .
So go buy a hot dog at Al’s Roast Beef. And then drop it in the toilet of the UGA Library an hour later, a massive, splattering, nutritionless piece of shit . You’ll be glad you did.
 Trust me. If you’re downtown for longer than two hours, you will eventually need to do this.
 Unlike the Widener library at the elitist-prick-filled Harvard University, the UGA library is open to the public.
 According to Wikipedia, these are called ‘Porta Loos’ in some parts of the UK — you British people are absolutely adorable, I tell you.
 I’m talking about the men’s bathrooms here.
 None of that blow dryer bullshit.
 Called ‘lavatorism’ obviously.
 If you are reading this in the UK, you should know that I am only half-joking. The bathrooms here would blow your mind—hot water, soap, toilet paper that doesn’t turn your ass into a thornbush, we’ve got it all.
 Speaking of which, Wild Nothing has a new album out. It’s called Nocturne.