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EXCLUSIVE! The original of my Vine Coldplay album review

EXCLUSIVE! The original of my Vine Coldplay album review
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This came about as a result of late night emailing between myself and my Vine editor Marcus. I suggested, jokingly, that perhaps I could list 10 things I’d Rather Do Than Listen To The New Coldplay album. (Number one: feature in the new Brooke Candy video.) He suggested that I change that to 10 Ways I’d Be Prepared To Like The New Coldplay Album. I liked that idea, and wrote the following….

The next morning, he rejected it – on the perhaps not unreasonable grounds that it contained nothing whatsoever about their music. So I agreed to rewrite it, resulting in this review.

(Following so far? Good.) Anyway, I kind of felt the Cosplay joke in particular was too good to waste, so here’s the original draft (complete with the full, unedited introduction).

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Ten Ways I Am Prepared To Like The New Coldplay Album

It’s been well-documented, my distaste for the stadium rock theatrics and insipid whining of British post-indie band Coldplay.

I once got stuck in traffic outside one of their Brisbane concerts, and the fear of actually hearing some of their bland, duller-than-dull-and-coagulating-dishwater music turned an otherwise innocuous traffic jam into the longest two minutes of my life.

I do not think they are sensitive, or soulful, or sensational. I do not appreciate their highs, nor do I empathise with their lows. I could give a crap whether Chris Martin has broken up with Gwyneth Paltrow… although I did meet the fellow once (when he first revealed how he lost his virginity – he told plenty of people afterwards) and he seemed like a decent enough chap so I guess I feel bad for him on some level.

I do not agree with music business mogul Alan McGee when he refers to Coldplay as “bedwetters” (I actually think adults who wet the bed are far more likely to be the disturbed mavericks than cosy middle-class boys), but I laughed like a drain when he did, nonetheless.

In short, I really do NOT LIKE Coldplay.

However, I do like to consider myself an open-minded sort of critic. Hence, I am prepared to like the new Coldplay album Ghost Stories under the right set of circumstances (number one of which would be that Martin STOPS THAT FUCKING WHINING). These are as follows…

1. They bring Jack White in to produce it, in his tiny telephone booth of a Detroit studio and turn them into some sort of post-shoegazing version of lo-fi pioneer Daniel Johnston (similar to what he’s done with the new Neil Young album). First take every time, all the snap pop and crackle of analogue recording left in, with no chance for Martin to perfect his wailing whiny choirboy Yorke falsetto. Although frankly – listening to the new Neil Young album – it makes me wonder why the cranky venerated old dude didn’t save a few bucks and go straight to Johnston himself, and his one-track tape recorder.

Imagine Coldplay recorded with no frills or studio wizardry… urgh (shudders).

2. They change their name to Cosplay and have an image change to match. I can see Chris Martin now.

cosplay

3. They have Beyoncé take over on lead vocals, drop the remaining members of Coldplay and get Boots in to produce it. Oh wait…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ12_E5R3qc

4.  In memoriam to Chris’ broken relationship with Gwyneth, the band take a leaf out of John Cage’s book and produce a double-album of silence so we can all pause and take stock about the impermanence and fragility of human companionship.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTEFKFiXSx4

5. They have Lady Leshurr guest vocal on it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkABiq8RfiM

6. They stop that fucking whining! And stop commissioning all those needless 12-minute remixes that only serve to prolong the agony.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzcBX85L6yU

7. They ask Lorde to step in and save the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5Thj4W3WlQ

8. They change their sound to suit the Babymetal oeuvre AND change their name to Cosplay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIKqgE4BwAY

babymetal

9. Chris Martin and Bono agree to go 10 rounds in the ring, in an extended Battle of the Egos.

10. They write another decent song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zbqri1SO3ao

(ends)

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