Logan K. Young

Pretzel Logic – 6: Belong (The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart)

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by Logan K. Young

Any major Dude will tell you, “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

Come now, sweet Rikki. The grown ups are thinking. And this time, they’ve shown their work.

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart, Belong (Slumberland)

If conviction, scruples or indie rock ever mattered – like at all even – then this record not just voids her warranty, it takes her out back by the dumpster, strips her to a naked shame and then violently sodomises her for precisely 39 minutes and 20 seconds, all while Chris Brown makes a movie of it and a Duke lacrosse player whispers terse, but profound words of coital encouragement.

Let p = principles

Have i = indie rock “means” something

Allow b = Belong

Premise 1: (p ∨ i) → b

If this album rapes whatever’s left of indie rock now that Sonic Youth has left David Geffen and Odd Future have gone on that guy from SNL’s chat show, and Kip Berman and Flood aren’t both convicted of – at the very least – corruption of the young, then like those who threatened if Bush the Younger were re-elected in ‘04, I’m moving to Canada. I hear they got Arcade Fire and the Biebs.

So c = Canadian citizenship

Premise 2: b → c

However, I ain’t movin’ to Hockey Town. They got both the Arcade Fire and Justin Bieber! And unlike the five simulacra in this focus group pantomime of a band, my word is my bond, my name all I have. Take my wife, please.


Premise 3: ¬c

Therefore, I guess indie rock never really mattered after all. For PoBPaH, may love of money lift them up where they tweely do belong.



[[(p ∨ i) → b] ∧ (b → c) ∧ ¬c] → ¬i

(1-for-10 De Morgan monkey pissing in its own mouth on YouTube)


The chart below illustrates all the potential truth ‘values’ for the conjunction of the full set of the three premises used in this review:

The following chart shows the semantic truth result for the entire review itself. I have proven this expression true for all possible notions of constituent truth…and selling-out:

5 Responses to Pretzel Logic – 6: Belong (The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart)

  1. Robbo May 7, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Wow, what an obtuse, pretentious load of hogwash.

    It seems some here are on a mission to stubbornly slag any band that Pitchfork rates.

    But THEN

    You provide a link to the famous Jet review which proves you consult P4K as obsessively as you seem to hate it.

    Still, at least you didn’t take the credit for originality, which is what I was expecting when I clicked the link…

    I wonder if there’s any hypocrisy going on here…

  2. Everett True May 7, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    Actually Robbo, some of my best friends are music critics.

  3. polarbearisdying May 7, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    but you didn’t define f, s and v.

  4. polarbearisdying May 7, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    sorry, i mean f, s and m. what are they?

  5. Darragh May 8, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    I have to say I find this review frustrating. I’ve listened to the record and I enjoy it, nearly as much as I liked the first record. I have no idea what pitchfork thinks nor do I care.

    I understand that not everyone is going to like a certain record, but this attempt at humour doesn’t tell me anything about why this particular album is good or bad, rather make a bunch of obtuse references to a bunch of indie bands that may or may not be Pitchfork darlings. Also, the line about a Duke lacrosse player means nothing, in my view. In fact, it might as well be written in some obscure foreign language that no one understands anymore.

    Then again, perhaps it’s because I’m not crash hot at maths.

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