Pretzel Logic – 6: Belong (The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart)
by Logan K. Young
Any major Dude will tell you, “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”
Come now, sweet Rikki. The grown ups are thinking. And this time, they’ve shown their work.
The Pains of Being Pure at Heart, Belong (Slumberland)
If conviction, scruples or indie rock ever mattered – like at all even – then this record not just voids her warranty, it takes her out back by the dumpster, strips her to a naked shame and then violently sodomises her for precisely 39 minutes and 20 seconds, all while Chris Brown makes a movie of it and a Duke lacrosse player whispers terse, but profound words of coital encouragement.
Let p = principles
Have i = indie rock “means” something
Allow b = Belong
Premise 1: (p ∨ i) → b
If this album rapes whatever’s left of indie rock now that Sonic Youth has left David Geffen and Odd Future have gone on that guy from SNL’s chat show, and Kip Berman and Flood aren’t both convicted of – at the very least – corruption of the young, then like those who threatened if Bush the Younger were re-elected in ‘04, I’m moving to Canada. I hear they got Arcade Fire and the Biebs.
So c = Canadian citizenship
Premise 2: b → c
However, I ain’t movin’ to Hockey Town. They got both the Arcade Fire and Justin Bieber! And unlike the five simulacra in this focus group pantomime of a band, my word is my bond, my name all I have. Take my wife, please.
Premise 3: ¬c
Therefore, I guess indie rock never really mattered after all. For PoBPaH, may love of money lift them up where they tweely do belong.
[[(p ∨ i) → b] ∧ (b → c) ∧ ¬c] → ¬i