my advice for aspiring music critics (gone through Google Translate twice)
Man, I love Google Translate. It allows you to obtain approximate meanings for words you’d never in a hundred years understand otherwise. And I love it when it translates your own words, and then translates them back again.
I particularly enjoyed this slight mutation, found via Italian music blog Stereogram (who’ve also supplied their own excellent list of Do’s And Don’ts for Music Critics). Some of my original points have definitely been improved upon, particularly 2, a rather minimal 8, 14, 20, 23 (the first word to avoid), 38 and 47.
Respect to the original poster, who clearly had a very creditable stab at doing the original translation.
1. Do not even try to apologize for your opinion.
2. Four hundred words is fine. Nineteenth century, no.
3. Many musicians are horrible people.
4. The music industry is not your friend. Unless you choose to let it get her friend.
5. Put the value in what you do. If you do not do it, why should vedercelo others?
6. The fact that you are able to lift up the volume of an amplifier will not necessarily make a person interesting.
7. The Rolling Stones have ruined the music. Let’s talk.
8. An adjective is more than enough.
9. Searching is one thing. Parroting a press release is another.
10. No one care about your opinion. Instead get a reason.
11. Your principles mean nothing, if you do not.
12. Ten words is good. Fifty, no.
13. Do not even try to describe the music.
14. If you need to write to do lists, maybe you should make lists and you should not write.
15. You should not give a damn anything. At least, not in public.
16. Record companies and promoters do not always tell the truth.
17. Do not write for newspapers that do not read.
18. No one gives a shit about knowing why you came late to the concert.
19. No one gives a shit about knowing the individual names and surnames of each band member.
20. Write because you have to, not because your boss told you that you need.
21. If you do not know why you’re doing, do not.
22. Writing about music is not sexy. It is not fashionable. And it certainly will not make you buy prestige with the opposite sex.
23. Words to avoid: “true”, “full”, “seminal”, “incredible”, “transcendental,” “think,” I feel like. “
24. It’s not over. It’s never over.
25. Fuck the quotes. And well fuck apostrophes, while we’re at. Be direct, funny, informative.
26. Do you think that looks like this group to another group? Well, you’re probably right. So?
27. The instrument (the writing) is far more important than critical.
28. Never trust a writer with no agenda.
29. Your compliance with the deadlines for delivery of a piece will always be taken into account most of your flowery prose.
30. Great that people send you the free stuff, right? OK, enough, you have already said.
31. Ten minutes of talking on the phone on the day of the disk is not even remotely resemble an interview.
32. Not all groups resemble quiet force for the Young Marble Giants.
33. Not all groups caciaroni necessarily resemble Sonic Youth.
34. No one gave a damn about you know that once you’ve had sex while listening to a B-Side of the Smashing Pumpkins.
35. The fact that you know how to use the keyboard of a computer does not automatically make you a writer. See Item 6.
36. Do not take advantage of our hospitality: thank you, and goodnight.
37. People read what you wrote because we look for the music, not “what you have written.”
38. You wrote a sentence you do not understand? You will not be the only one who does not understand it.
39. Have got drunk and had spent a good night is not always the same.
40. Radiohead have stopped making some good records. Instead get a reason.
41. Did you like this urge to read another review of that disc before writing yours? Forget it.
42. The Golden Age of Music Critics never existed. Instead get a reason
43. If you’re bored, bored your readers.
44. Coabin Kurt died. Instead get a reason
45. Be candid. Be yourself. Be aware. Be yourself. Be funny. Be yourself.
46. How many music critics does it take to change the world? There.
47. Your neighbor that tomorrow will not write about this concert is much more fun than you.
48. Frègatene of people do not know.
49. No one cares nothing of your vinyl by Nick Cave.
50. We do not do money. Trust me.