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 Everett True

how to get featured on a music website – part 3

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It seems like some of you need a little more encouragement. I’m being straight with you: straighter than most editors and writers.

We here at Collapse Board would like to ‘sell out’. Our only caveat is that we believe in transparency: we have nothing against doing what this dude does here, but if we’re going to run something similar we’re going to tell folk about it. Sure, we’ll write about your music if you pay us to. Sure, we’ll even run a review of your music written by you if you pay us to. (Makes our lives a whole lot simpler, now we think about it: you that desperate boy, we probably don’t want to be going anywhere near it anyhow.) Sure we’ll accept your money and give you space in return if that’s the way you wanna peg it … think about it for one second, all you career-orientated cats. You’re already paying your record company/PR person/whatevers a sizable chunk of dough to talk you up, market your ass, sell you to the folk out there. Why not cut out the middle-people and get the professionals to do it straight? Not only are we cheaper, we’re also better at it. We have form. We have experience. We have wit. Once again, the only caveat is that we tell folk if we’re taking your money … but that ain’t so bad. Think about it. You don’t have to run that shit on your press release/website/Facebook page.

Sure, we’ll be honest about what we think about your music. But you can work round that.

And it’s already been proven to work. Some facts you might be interested in – that’s FACTS:

SITUATION: In 1989, Collapse Board founder Everett True flies out to Seattle and gets very, very drunk. Among other things.
RESULT: Ten years later, Sub Pop CEO Jonathan Poneman buys gold-plated wheelie bins for everyone employed by the company (musicians excepted).

SITUATION: Portland, OR swamp rock band Boo Frog are mentioned in the how to get featured on a music website blog post after they send a T-shirt to Isaac Thackray. And 15 bucks (US) to buy the new Polly Harvey album with.
RESULT: The day after the post appears, the trio are offered a European tour spot by a UK tour promoter. Coincidence? The band thinks not.

SITUATION: In 2011, Sleevie Nicks rips into the latest album from bland middle management ‘indie’ pop stars The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart, via a nifty visual device on Collapse Board.
RESULT: Appearances on Letterman, DiMaggio,  Something Awful and a multi-platinum selling album that goes straight in at Number One in the U.S, the U.K and New Zealand. And the band ends up using the nifty visual device as their tour poster.

SITUATION: James Dilger of Tasmania’s fine 60s-style garage band Sole Stickers sends in 50 bucks (Australian), with specific instructions NOT to write about his band on Collapse Board.
RESULT: During the week following their appearance in the now-legendary how to get featured on a music website blog post, Sole Stickers’ Facebook page has 3,375 page views (with 1,100 on the day in question alone) – an increase in traffic of over 1,000 per cent.

So, with all this in mind, Collapse Board is proud to announce its inaugural Friends Of Collapse Board chart. The only way you can be part of this is by donating – the more you donate, the higher the chart position. It’s that simple. Here’s that Paypal address again.

ramonesfan79@yahoo.co.uk

  1. ANONYMOUS – $50 (Australian)
    “Here’s a contribution for NAME DELETED coverage on Collapse Board. There’s no need to give us any more coverage, the mention in your article was more than sufficient!”
  2. SOLE STICKERS – $50 (Australian)
    “Go buy a physical copy of that PJ Harvey album on vinyl. Consider it a no obligation advance on that Sole Stickers CD review. (Even if you hate it I’d still like to hear your critique).”
  3. THE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC – $20 (US) (see featured image)
    “This is not a bribe. We do not want you to write about us. We just want to say thank you to Isaac for recording the TVPs cover for us, so maybe this could buy him an ice-cream cone or some treat he likes. He is worth a lot more but since we don’t make any money, this is just a thanks.”
  4. BOO FROG – $15 (US)
    “I like the courage, passion, independence, sense of purpose. Hope you can get PJ Harvey disc soon.”
  5. VICTORY AND ASSOCIATES – $10 (US)
    “The ‘How to get featured on a Music Website’ kidding on the square is kind of amazing. I’ll send a real e-mail too, but if you could throw any coverage towards the Victory And Associates kickstarter that would be really fantastic as we respect Collapse!”

Shall we see if we can aim for $1,000 (Australian) by the week’s end?

2 Responses to how to get featured on a music website – part 3

  1. Conan Neutron May 10, 2011 at 2:24 am

    It was always my fondest hope to have my band’s name being synonymous with the low position on a bribery donation level chart.

    I’d love to throw in more, Collapse deserves it, but we are trying to put out own record too.

    (BTW: Kidding on the square = To be joking, but at the same time really mean it.)

  2. Everett True May 11, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    (from Facebook)

    Larry Pickleman
    Kiss arse?

    Larry Pickleman
    Or kick ass?

    Everett True
    the eternal dilemma

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