I’ve only included posts that were published in 2012. This excludes, for example, Brigette’s consistently popular article around Lana Del Rey and authenticity, and Kelly’s ubiquitous ‘Shut Up About Kreayshawn Being Racist’ (also, Scott’s near-legendary Gotye album review, James Flint’s satirical piece around Nirvana and some ancient shit about Weezer). I have also excluded any attachments reached via Google Image Search, which discounts pictures of ‘grunge’, ‘dairy cows’ and the already immensely popular ‘Katy Perry topless’. Probably half of the 50 most viewed pages on Collapse Board are photographs, because we fucking PWN Google Image Search.
As ever, the following chart is based on Google Analytics.
1. Kathleen Hanna – The Collapse Board Interview
Did you ever intend on being a musician?
KH: No! [laughs] not at all. Growing up I just thought musicians were men. I thought, oh I could be like Linda Ronstadt or Olivia Newton-John, who were kind of my idols. I knew there were female singers but I never thought I could be a singer that people wanted to listen to. I didn’t have that kind of confidence.
2. How to respond to a Pitchfork review
According to the opening line of your review I am ‘something of a hero to you’. I would almost be flattered by this sentence if it were not for the level of qualification obliquely provided by the use of ‘something’ but will choose to skip over the ham-fisted arse-kissing of your opening and move on to deal with some of the more pertinent matters of the day. Allow me to efuckidate in an easy-to-understand fuck-by-point manner -
3. Spiritualized – Sweet Heart, Sweet Light (Fat Possum)
‘Hey Jane’ wears its NSFW like a smug little badge and is a 10 minute long micro-film about a black transvestite prostitute with a small and frightened child who ends up beaten to a bloody pulp by a repressed and shamed white trick. It is repellent and upsetting and I don’t care what Art is allowed to do, I don’t like it. I don’t like the fact that every fist fall, every crunch of boot on facial bones, is filmed in detail and at length. I don’t like what it appears to be saying about people. I don’t like that said whiney, white, self-pitying, copyist, imagination-free, privilege-flaunting cisman from England has used this story and these characters from waaaaaaaaaaay outside his experience, knowledge or culture as entertainment, however much Art has given him a hall pass to do so.
4. Scott Creney reacts to Chuck Klosterman’s article about tUnE-yArDs pretty much exactly the way you’d expect him to
We get it, Chuck. You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. Now start telling us all about Tuneyards (I write the name however I want).
5. Why. Music. Criticism. Still. Matters. (So. Go. Fuck. Yourselves. Spin Magazine.)
It’s never bothered film critics that people see the trailers of the films they discuss: indeed, on television shows featuring film critics, usually trailers and snippets are shown alongside the discussion. It’s never bothered art critics that folk can see the art AND the criticism: indeed, the two are often so mutually dependent, I’ve often wondered how one can survive without the other. It’s never bothered sports journalists that fans watch the game first and read their words after. And so on. So why are folk like Chris are racing round like dyslexic chickens with their heads cut off, screaming “Firsties Firsties, No One Cares For Me Anymore, Firsties” nonstop?
6. how ‘influence’ works – Lana Del Rey vs Eleni Vitali
I suppose you could argue that there’s surface similarities between the melodies of the two songs but there’s little else to suggest an intentional steal. It’s not like there’s the same instrumentation, or sound, or feel, or phrasing, or performance, or anything really. Oh yes, both singers are female. Sigh. It’s the musical equivalent of me having read an Aldous Huxley book a couple of decades back and, a certain phrase having lodged itself towards the back of my mind, it comes out reinterpreted when most appropriate. More likely, it’s just one website always on the look out for audience figures, being over-zealous.
7. Fucking love punk rock sometimes. Fucking love feminism sometimes. Fucking love YouTube sometimes. (see featured image)
Fucking nice music too! I can hear Crass, I can hear Bikini Kill, I can hear Dutch insurrectionists The Ex … but most of all I can hear anger and determination and energy and bleakness and hope and a refusal to lie down and accept things as they are. This band is so, so genius. Great name and great image, too. They totally understand the language of revolt.
8. Pussy Riot | This band fucking rules more than any band has ruled in years (see featured image)
I don’t know. Offer them your support, or something. Contact authorities, websites, newspapers, famous people. Pussy Riot must be “burning Putin’s glamour” pretty fucking hard for the state to threaten them like this.
9. Why Titus Andronicus are the Most Important Band of 2012
Punk’s alive and the gates to Bangs’s Promised Land are open once again. Titus Andronicus are headlining and everybody’s welcome, as long as they stand for something righteous.
10. ROCK VS. CANCER. ROCK WINS!!!!!!!!! A tribute to John Grabski III
I’m sitting here, head in my hands, tears streaming down my face, trying to muffle the sound because my two-year-old son is eating his breakfast just feet away from me and I don’t want him to see his dad upset. I’ve just found out some guy I never even met, barely even knew, has died. Cancer fucking got him. It’s 5.45am, and hopefully everyone else is sleeping. Daniel’s singing quietly to himself, eating Milo. Birds are singing outside, looks like it’s going to be another glorious late summer day. And I’m sitting here, silently crying to myself. Sometimes, you just feel humbled by other folk.
11. NME introduces the one-word music review
England’s NME took the Spin formula one step further today, inviting readers to submit a one-word review of an Oasis remix.
12. odd comment left on Brian Wilson blog entry
I’m the fellow who gave LSD to Brian Wilson in the early Sixties. I have been vilified for doing this for almost fifty years. I would like to set the record straight about this event.
13. Eleven records I’m embarrassed about liking
It’s a nonsense concept, of course. Why should you be embarrassed by your musical taste? The fact I like some of these might surprise some people, though.
14. Triple J. Setting music back for a new generation
Maybe that’s just how funding works. Government-driven organisations demand you tick the right boxes, use the correct language, play the ‘right’ music. The grants, the awards go to the people who are the best at filling out the grant forms, fitting in the best with the prevalent status quo. Wow. What a way to write a song. What a way to run a radio station.
15. 10 ways Kim Kardashian’s tits are killing you
Since Everett True is unable to supply the volume of readers the publishers of Collapse Board require, the editor has been replaced by Alan Smithee from AdSmarter Publishing. Alan would like to offer readers a preview of the next issue of Collapse Board. About 10% of Collapse Board’s content will be “lifestyle” items designed to reflect issues of concern to our readers. Items to look forward to include “Kim Kardashian’s Thought For The Day”, “This Everyday Item Is Silently Killing You” and “10 Shocking Things Some Asshole You’ve Never Heard Of Said On His Blog”. We will, of course, have live updates on the most important stories, full coverage of the Bieber-Prince Wills boxing match, endless nostalgia lists of things you ignored 10 years ago, and 2,500 pictures of slow lorises getting tickled.
16. Song of the day – 427: Planningtorock
Man. Played this six times this morning already, and it’s 2pm now. And I still ain’t tired of it. It’s a little Grace Jones, a little Sparks and a whole load sexy and sinuous and glam and itself. I love the synthetic “yeah’s” and the minimal guitar solo. I love the distant rolling of drums and occasional note of piano, the ongoing narrative, the one-second of feedback that could’ve been lifted from The Pop Group’s ‘She Is Beyond Good And Evil’. The menace is playful but it’s still menace and it’s still seductive as all warm leatherette seats.
17. Kimbra – Vows (Warner Brothers)
I’ve only given Kimbra’s album 73 listens, but I still feel confident in saying that you — and I use the pronoun as specifically as possible — probably won’t hear a better pop album this year. People who are working on albums for 2013 have their work cut out for them as well. Vows is a signal post for pop music. It’s like Kate Bush if she knew how to write a good song. It’s like Cat Power if she had someone who loved her. It’s like Adele if she knew how to dance. It’s like the Rolling Stones if they were still alive. Where can anyone go from here except sideways?
18. Things to consider when adding a female to your band
So you got a rockin’ little combo, with drums, bass, and guitar, but you’re thinking you need a little ZING — a little something to make you stand out from the crowd. Have you ever considered adding a FEMALE to your band? I know, I know. It sounds crazy, but it’s so crazy that sometimes it can work. The right female can give your band more visual appeal, an overall sexy feel, and attract new fans of both genders. The right female can give band photos more power, attract more press coverage, and generally serve as a conversation starter.
19. Kate Nash – The Collapse Board Interview
What does music mean to you?
KN: This last year it’s just become … the music that I listen to, I feel like it’s really something that saves me. It’s escapism. It’s comfort. Music that I make is an expression of how I feel at that particular time; it’s like I just need to get something out of my system. I really enjoy playing instruments and singing melody and writing about how I feel whether that’s happy, sad, stressed or whatever. The mood I’m in at the time really reflects in the music that I make.
20. Why academics shouldn’t write music reviews
“Ekstasis is the light emanating from within that darkness, a manifestation of this inner dynamic writ large across a canvas at once more expansive and gorgeous than Tragedy could possibly allow. Holter’s vacuous constructions are left bare to naturally solidify in the tentative advance of dawn, and with the light comes a clouds-parting revelation of latent songwriting talent and preternatural concepts concerning variances in sound and texture.”
Wow. I’ve never heard of Julia Holter before this and now I have absolutely no desire to hear of her again.