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Constants – Pasiflora (The Mylene Sheath)

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Constants – Pasiflora (The Mylene Sheath)

By Scott Creney

Hey, do you like Loveless? I mean, REALLY like it? Me too! And guess what! So does Constants!

What’s that? No, the songs aren’t nearly as good as Loveless! I know! Kevin Shields wasn’t exactly Paul fucking McCartney in the first place! You know what, now that I think about it you’re right, it DOES make you wonder why Constants even fucking bothered!

You think of all the time and effort that went into this album and it just makes you want to weep! What a waste of time! These guys could have been firefighters! Or they could have done charity work! But instead they chose to make an album that sounds like Loveless only without the extreme noise bits or the melodic hooks! Why the fuck would anyone think that was a good idea?

And hey, guess what? All the titles have one word!

Sunrise!
Hourglass!
Passenger!
Mourning!
Beautiful!
Pressure!
Sunset!
Austere!
1985! (I learned in grammar class that four numbers equals one word!)
Crosses!

Here’s some suggested song titles for the next Constant album!

Mediocre!
Insipid!
Dull!
Uninspired!
Vestigial!

What’s that? You’re right, I am being a little unfair! It isn’t exactly like MbV! It’s more like if someone grew up listening to Linkin Park and then someone loaned them a copy of Loveless! So I guess it’s even WORSE than an MbV ripoff!

It’s a funny fucking world sometimes! If you buy this album you obviously have too much money! And if you make the effort to download this album you obviously have too much time!

And if you love it, then you’re as fucking useless as they are.

2 Responses to Constants – Pasiflora (The Mylene Sheath)

  1. Princess Stomper August 1, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Aw, come on, it wasn’t THAT bad. It wasn’t offensively shit. It started, I thought “this is quite pleasant” and then after a couple of minutes I forgot it was on. Might as well outlaw any other add-nothing-new derivative bands while we’re at it. I mean, Warpaint are basically sub-4AD also-rans from 1994, and none of the punkish acts we’ve featured are doing anything that hasn’t been done before and better.

    On the other hand, I still hate The White Stripes and The Strokes with the fire of a thousand desert suns, but I reserve my right to hypocrisy.

  2. Miquel Ramirez August 2, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Yes, you’re right it’s not as offensive as seeing Billy Corgan’s face all over the place again and blathering about the industry not liking authenticity. But I do certainly think negative reviews as the one by Mr. Creney are very necessary. Not everything can be either GENIUS, EXCELLENT, GOOD or just OK. There’s room enough for SHIT as well 🙂

    I’d love to see someone to take up Buddyhead’s “Axl Rose rating system”, honestly

    http://www.buddyhead.com/2010/07/21/the-return-of-the-w-axl-rose-rating-system-for-record-reviews-2/

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