He’s thin, he’s skinny, he’s deeply misunderstood and he’s writing for Collapse Board!
Here is the first in the series from Brisbane’s answer to the bell-bottomed, loose-limbed, devil-may-croon swagger of Dave Graney on How To Make It In The Music Business And Still Annoy The Fuck Out Of Everyone Who Matters
1. Get your band to rehearse in separate houses over Skype and use the delay between lines as an effect.
2. Sample yourself sampling yourself on a sampler with an 80s sampler and then use protools to loop you looping it.
3. Record everything on tape, not recording tape but sticky tape.
4. Put out all your releases on mono shalack glass plate records that only play on 1940s record-players.
5. Release your album at a secret location, so secret that even you don’t know where it is.
6. Invite Everett True to arrange your songs.
7. Use your brother’s old computer to record your demos in your parents’ garage. Your brother’s old computer is a Commodore 64.
8. Get put into a mental institution and record your music in the electroshock room while being shocked.
9. Release your music on USB sticks buried in 12-inches of cement.
10. Start a Scott Walker Drift tribute band.
11. Put your music up for free on the internet at http://we23403√√ƒƒ˙˙∫∆∆˙∆˙∆å˙∆˙©å©∆©∆ƒ∂∂˙åƒ˙åƒ∆©∆©∆˚
12. Get your niece to play drums. Your niece is two-years-old.
13. Call your band “All asylum seekers should be allowed in without scrutiny”.
14. Record your house-mate snoring, put your Commodore 64 under the ocean and then mix the two together and release it on sticky tape.
15. Record a single… man.
16. Record a song about “space docking”.
17. The only way to download your new album is to get a download code tattooed on your bottom.
18. Your new album is a pitch that makes people deaf.
19. The only way to download your new record is call a fax number, and listen to the noise.
20. Your band is a construction crew.
21. Your new single is a series of ones and zeros when typed into a binary code reader it plays the songs.
22. Your album is only available in selected vegan restaurants.
23. Sign to a Siberian record label.
24. Get David Lynch to direct your band.
25. Get Charlie Kaufman to write your lyrics.
26. Get Yoko Ono to sing lead vocals in reverse.
27. Get get Jarvis Cocker to mention you in a documentary.
28. All band members need to be ex-staff from a defunct vinyl pressing plant.
29. Use film terms to describe your music. Example 80′s Sci Fi, Film Noirish, Mise en Scene.
30. Be from Hobart.
This list can be used to make great underground bio’s.
Jarvis Cocker (2008) “This great band I love is called All asylum seekers should be allowed in without scrutiny. They are kind of an 80s film noir sci-fi group, David Lynch directed their videos and the lyrics were written by Charlie Kauffman. The band was basically a construction crew from Hobart signed to a Siberian record label. They made they their way as a Scott Walker Drift tribute band and released their first album on sticky tape. “
You can have a go in the comments.