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 Everett True

A Week in the Life of Jeff Pollack

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by Wallace Wylie and Everett True

The Onion recently put together an inch-perfect parody of a pompous American media consultant attempting to write about music. We thought that the character was too good to waste. So we’ve picked up that ball and we’re running with it all the way to the touchdown zone!

Here, then, is the first installment in a Week in the Life of Jeff Pollack.

Day one
Today I woke up from a great sleep. Not only was it restful, but with a minimum of dreams it was easily one of the best sleeps of the past decade. My morning cup of coffee was great. With a potent taste, an abundant cup, and a great aroma, this cup of coffee could go anywhere.

Day three
Today I decided to go supermarket shopping. Both Cole’s and Woolworth’s are undeniably popular, and have a wide range of goods. I chose Woolworth’s  because its ham selection is sublime, and keeps getting better. The bread selection is great, too. There are always some interesting choices, and some compelling price cuts. Cole’s has many supporters, but I think that Woolworth’s is arguably better.

Day four
Today I was pleased to receive a package in the mail from one of Athens, Georgia’s top bands R.E.M. Their front-person Michael Stipe is a very interesting person, and he writes memorable songs with a distinctive voice. They have melodies and lyrics and guitars. The new album Collapse Into Now builds on what went before and it won’t disappoint their many fans. Arguably, this may be the most important release of the new decade alongside Radiohead and Arcade Fire.

Day seven
Have you ever considered how comfortable slippers are?

17 Responses to A Week in the Life of Jeff Pollack

  1. Wallace Wylie March 29, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Can we make Jeff Pollack the patron saint of Collapse Board?

  2. polarbearisdying March 29, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    “Going to see great live music can be a night you talk about for years to come. Seeing an amazing artist playing their music, witnessing their passion- it’s unlike any other experience. Whether it’s seeing a band play in their home town or sharing the fan experience in a foreign country, no two concerts or performances are the same.”

    i’m glad to see such a bad person being brought down.

  3. Shaun March 29, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    This is very funny.

  4. Everett True March 29, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    Polar Bear, before you get a little too needlessly self-righteous, you might care to do a little research on who you’re defending.

  5. Keir Hardie March 29, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    I actually laughed at “They have melodies and lyrics and guitars.”

  6. polarbearisdying March 30, 2011 at 1:05 am

    i wasn’t exactly trying to defend anyone.

  7. polarbearisdying March 30, 2011 at 1:07 am

    he isn’t a real person anyway. just an onion-shaped construct.

  8. Wallace Wylie March 30, 2011 at 9:05 am

    I don’t think you understand polarbearisdying. You know those things you cherish like naivety, enthusiasm, trust and love? Jeff Pollack wipes his arse with those things. If you ever, and I mean ever, came between Jeff Pollack and an extra dollar in his bank account he would eat you alive and then hunt down your immediate family with rabid wolves…rabid fucking wolves. Then he’d go home and settle in for a night of Coldplay and blandness, as his capitalist banality destroys more peoples will to live every other second. While you’re reading this Jeff Pollack has slaughtered 17 people. One of then almost survived but then he stood on their face with an IRON BOOT. Is that what you want? Well, is it?

  9. Everett True March 30, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Calm down Wallace! Don’t forget you’re talking about an Onion-shaped construct.

  10. polarbearisdying March 30, 2011 at 10:50 am

    an onion-shaped, iron-booted hunter running with the wolves.

    fucking awesome

  11. Darragh Murray March 30, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    He is real.

  12. Everett True March 30, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Yeah, and so is the Easter Bunny.

  13. shaun March 31, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    Jeff Pollack presents rock music as a perennial potential for commodity: his sole context for evaluating groups is to identify their capital. He represents the End Of History of rock music: culture as a fanciful instinct inhabited by misty-eyed manipulated liberals who believe that rock music doesn’t need this sense of meaning, of sublimity, of import. Jeff Pollack’s idea of rock music and popular culture is in cahoots with capital, is intrinsically aligned and prepared by it. Jeff Pollack knows that rock music is a sausage to be vendored, and it can taste a myriad different ways; it can be spiced and minced but it’s still exactly what it is. This attitude is all encompassing: for those without an emotional investment in rock music, it’s still regarded as “noble” to root for it. Pop music doesn’t need well-meaning motherfuckers looking to tout it for it’s intrinsic social value. Pop music should be a force that refuses to be co-opted by do-gooders. IT SHOULD SURPRISE AND TAKE PEOPLE UNAWARE.

    Pollack is the pragmatic fuck that is undermining a generation’s understanding of rock and pop: a generation poised between the old guard – where capital is a vital component in popular music – with the new guard, who make up their own mind, who are driven by enthusiastic taste makers or critics or, heaven forbid, their own sensibilities. Jeff Pollack is the demon that should be ridiculed above and beyond bad writers and bad bands. This is the victim that is worth killing off wholesale. I’d prefer a tragically bad writer with enthusiasm than an anthrax spawn like this.

    So, rather than battling against mediocre writing, which ET has been known to do of late, mutherfuckers like this should be hung and left to dry. Flies should feed on this horrid corpse. This is your real battle. Everything else is petulant.

  14. Hannah Golightly April 1, 2011 at 4:52 am

    Pollack should be the patron saint of shit rock music

  15. Hannah Golightly April 1, 2011 at 4:52 am

    Or the patron saint of spoon feeding

  16. Hannah Golightly April 1, 2011 at 4:54 am

    Maybe he doesn’t exist. Maybe he gets his eight year old son to write for him so he can get on with the work he’s good at like economics and maths. He’s the guy at the party who explains the joke until it’s no longer funny.

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