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 Everett True

A Week in the Life of Jeff Pollack

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by Wallace Wylie and Everett True

The Onion recently put together an inch-perfect parody of a pompous American media consultant attempting to write about music. We thought that the character was too good to waste. So we’ve picked up that ball and we’re running with it all the way to the touchdown zone!

Here, then, is the first installment in a Week in the Life of Jeff Pollack.

Day one
Today I woke up from a great sleep. Not only was it restful, but with a minimum of dreams it was easily one of the best sleeps of the past decade. My morning cup of coffee was great. With a potent taste, an abundant cup, and a great aroma, this cup of coffee could go anywhere.

Day three
Today I decided to go supermarket shopping. Both Cole’s and Woolworth’s are undeniably popular, and have a wide range of goods. I chose Woolworth’s  because its ham selection is sublime, and keeps getting better. The bread selection is great, too. There are always some interesting choices, and some compelling price cuts. Cole’s has many supporters, but I think that Woolworth’s is arguably better.

Day four
Today I was pleased to receive a package in the mail from one of Athens, Georgia’s top bands R.E.M. Their front-person Michael Stipe is a very interesting person, and he writes memorable songs with a distinctive voice. They have melodies and lyrics and guitars. The new album Collapse Into Now builds on what went before and it won’t disappoint their many fans. Arguably, this may be the most important release of the new decade alongside Radiohead and Arcade Fire.

Day seven
Have you ever considered how comfortable slippers are?

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