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 Wallace Wylie

10 Bands Shaping The Post-Nirvana Era

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by Wallace Wylie

Oh God, how I love The Onion. The way they’re able to nail some deluded viewpoint so perfectly, even if it means verging on the ridiculous at times. I mean, take a look at this article:

10 Bands Shaping The Post-Nirvana Era

Only The Onion could create such a pompous, deluded persona for a ‘journalist’. The care and attention to detail in this parody is breathtaking. Why, even the website address is for The Huffington Post. How did they manage that? Oh I see, this must be The Huffington Post linking an article from The Onion.

Class. Sheer class. I’m sure they won’t mind CB reprinting a few samples:

Written by ‘Jeff Pollack’, Chairman/CEO of Global Media and Entertainment, Pollack Media Group

Arcade Fire: This Montreal band has succeeded entirely on their own terms without the machinery of a major label. Their passionate fans have spread the word worldwide, resulting in Arcade Fire now being one of the biggest live bands on the planet. Their records are great but experiencing Arcade Fire’s jubilant, cirque-styled performances with an incredible array of instruments is not to be missed … anything can happen.

Coldplay: One of the best bands to emerge from the UK in the past decade, Coldplay has grown into one of the world’s top bands. Consistently strong melodies, quality lyrics, memorable songs and a charismatic vocalist, the group’s early promise has been realized with their most recent and best album to date Viva La Vida … The band puts on strong live performances that generate sold out shows worldwide.

Dave Matthews Band: This Virginia based band made it the hard way … endlessly playing all over the country to emerge as one of America’s top live bands. Their lengthy shows and amazing musicianship continue the legacy of the Grateful Dead, with the Dave Matthews Band inheriting the mantle of the best jam band around. Like the Dead, the band is more of a live experience, not needing hit songs (though they’ve have a few of those as well) to play stadiums. They rock!

Death Cab For Cutie: This excellent band from Seattle consistently make exceptional records and back it up with a compelling and exciting live show. Their songs often demonstrate a very interesting structure as evidenced by the sublime “I Will Possess Your Heart”. Distinctive music and unmistakable vocals make Death Cab an influence on many of the indie rock bands we’re listening to today.

Green Day: A band that keeps getting better, Green Day delivered arguably the best album of the decade with American Idiot. Their growth as a band is not only measured by well-written music but in their excellent lyrics. 21st Century Breakdown was also very good. Green Day are one of the tightest bands touring today which is why seeing them live is always so satisfying. Their Broadway show of American Idiot was well reviewed and cemented the band’s reputation as one of the best bands anywhere.

Read more here.

ADDENDA
And now, because no one requested it at all, our regular new weekly series, A Week in the Life of Jeff Pollack.

24 Responses to 10 Bands Shaping The Post-Nirvana Era

  1. Everett True March 28, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    I think my favourite line is the one about Green Day:

    “A band that keeps getting better, Green Day delivered arguably the best album of the decade with American Idiot [released in 2004] … 21st Century Breakdown [released in 2009] was also very good”.

    Damn, for a band that keeps getting better, you’d have thought that 21st Century Breakdown would’ve been … I don’t know … the best album EVA!

  2. Darragh March 28, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    You’re going to have to explain how this Huffington Post article has anything to do with the Onion….unless there is some level of sarcasm here that I’m missing..

  3. brendan March 28, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    there is darragh. stuff like this, you can’t satirize.

  4. Darragh Murray March 28, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    I fail, obviously. 🙁

  5. Lewis Parker March 28, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    I’ll reiterate the old adage that a good joke doesn’t need explanation, although this one bounces back and forth over the boundary of irony that it must be pretty hard for people to keep track of which side the ball currently rests on.

    Well done, Wallace, this guy is a total douche who deserves to have his head — and in fact his entire body and the wealth and possessions he has amassed as a result of his music knowledge — flushed down the shitter.

    I have “tweeted” Mr Pollack to inform him of how much we admire his work at Collapse Board. In ten years time, if people are drawing up the 10 music critics who shaped criticism, Mr Pollack will definitely be included (especially if he’s the one writing the list).

  6. polarbearisdying March 28, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    am i the only person who thinks his way of writing about the bands is kind of sweet?

  7. Keir Hardie March 28, 2011 at 9:31 pm

    Mumford & Sons???!!!

    O. M. G.

  8. Princess Stomper March 28, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    I’m still giggling about “Jack White’s originality”.

    *wipes tear from eye*

  9. Pete Brown March 28, 2011 at 11:15 pm

    Oh God.

    I read this thinking the only thing that could make it funnier (or perhaps jump the shark in terms of obvious parody) would be if he had included Pearl Jam. And then I followed the link…

  10. mike mystery March 29, 2011 at 12:37 am

    darragh, the majority of the bands on the list are so hopelessly shite that it could easily be mistaken for a spoof. I mean, did you read it?

  11. Hannah Golightly March 29, 2011 at 7:22 am

    I think this reads like a ‘what is wrong with music since Nirvana’ article. It is completely this set of bands and their unavoidable influence that has really messed up the music scene for me and made me retreat… that is until MGMT, Warpaint, Cults and Best Coast turned up to save the day. Now I don’t care how ‘influential’ any of these bands turn out to be. I am just glad that they are here for me to listen to and enjoy. But a Radiohead- God-awful (for a heterosexual girl brought up on a diet of masculine metal and heavy grunge at least) vocals… PATHETIC-INCARNATE itself. A real puke fest for boys to wank off in some sort of woe-is-me circle jerk or something. Really bad PR for straight-styled masculinity. And all the awful vocalists who aped their sound- ten times worse! Gutted. The White Stripes, I’ll let off lightly since I liked them in the beginning before I got over-bored by their lack of BASS GUITAR. What sweet relief it was when bass came back into fashion lately! Green Day??? What the fxxk? Since when did ‘musical’ and ‘music’ cement ANYTHING? Musicals suck (to most people who like music) and let’s face it. As a so called Punk band in California sunshine no less, actually HAVING SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ie. THE WAR ON TERROR etc. WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO THEM COMMERCIALLY. “Yeah! We can finally be punk! Not just punk by numbers! Woo hoo!… I mean huh hum… ‘Yeah the war is really really awful’ Kerching! We can speak out against it and be popular. Yeah it is soooo BAD.” hmmmm…. I did like Dookie. Teen punk suited them better in my opinion. They were great at that. The recent stuff seems a touch pretentious though.

    My final word is PEARL JAM? Post Nirvana? I think not. They died with Kurt Cobain. Shame all round but true.

  12. Wallace Wylie March 29, 2011 at 8:18 am

    This guy is a genius. Check out his 10 Bands That Shook The World:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeff-pollack/10-bands-that-shook-the-w_1_b_819903.html

    Obviousness? Check! Banality? Check! Not even worth the time to write? Check!

    Can we turn Pollack into a verb?

    “You’re going to have to rewrite that Coldplay review”
    “Why?”
    “You completely Pollacked it”
    “Fuck”

    In the paragraph about Death Cab I slipped into a coma and died I was so bored. Outstanding, really outstanding.

  13. Niall March 29, 2011 at 9:09 am

    Wow that article is even better – good to know the experts all agree that The Beach Boys were under-rated.

  14. Niall March 29, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Seems like bands that don’t use guitars (much) don’t count. Bands like:

    Daft Punk
    The Prodigy
    Wu Tang Clan
    The Roots
    The Neptunes/N.E.R.D.
    Outkast
    Destiny’s Child
    Portishead
    Air
    LCD Soundsystem

  15. Wallace Wylie March 29, 2011 at 10:41 am

    I think we should have a weekly column:

    The Life Of Jeff Pollack

    Today I woke up from a great sleep. Not only was it restful, but with a minimum of dreams it was easily one of the best sleeps of the past decade. My morning cup of coffee was great. With a potent taste, an abundant cup, and a great aroma, this cup of coffee could go anywhere.

  16. Nate M March 29, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Is Jeff Pollack related to Neal Pollack? Is this all a big put-on? Or are these pithy postulations actually to be taken at face value? I think its the latter, but I am starting to get confused. Nobody could write such relentlessly beige prose and be serious…could they? He’s like the anti-Dr. David Thorpe

  17. Everett True March 29, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    WHO: Fleet Foxes
    WHAT: Helplessness Blues Tour
    WHERE: Moore Theatre – Seattle, WA
    WHEN: May 2nd, 2011
    WHY:One of the most vocally brilliant bands to come around in decades. A major influence on their original and complex harmonies is the Beach Boys. They gained some popularity in 2008, first with the release of their Sun Giant EP in April followed by their self-titled full-length in June. They’ve been quietly recording their second studio album, Helplessness Blues, for the past year and last week announced its May 2011 release and accompanying tour. They are a stand-out in the Seattle music scene and I can’t imagine a better place to see their show. You’re in for a treat.

    WHO BY?: Have a wild guess.

  18. Erika M March 29, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    maybe THIS explains what went wrong with the music in CRAZY HEART?
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeff-pollack

  19. Keir Hardie March 29, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    That ’10 bands that shook the world’ piece is indeed even better. I was fascinated to learn that The Rollings Stones’ songs are some of the best ever recorded.

  20. Everett True March 29, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    Better than the Rollins Stones, even?

  21. Keir Hardie March 29, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    I blame my sub-editor.

  22. Keir Hardie March 29, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    I’ve worked out what he reminds me of – it’s like he’s from the early sixties. He’d have fitted in better then, reviewing Please Please Me and saying ‘with their catchy tunes and three part harmonies these boys will go far’.

  23. Hannah Golightly March 30, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    What committee decided on this awful destiny for music? Oh yeah, Pollack (should we rename him Pillock?) goes to industry conferences where they most likely all discuss demographics and sales targets and internet/technology marketing strategy and add in the subject of ‘Music’ as an after thought… at which point they all look awkward and scratch their heads and excuse themselves for a cigarette and tea and coffee gets served and someone eventually dares to suggest a band that sound a lot like the ones our test markets have responded well to in the past. Everyone agrees? Great. See you next year. Hope they have better buscuits next year, these ones have raisins in them, can’t stand them and I have to pick them out.

  24. Ericka October 27, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    Its never a band without fans beaming on their nusic and lyrics. The, “Their growth as a band is not only measured by well-written music but in their excellent lyrics. ” exemplifies this.

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